1. Insurance salesman: ‘Surely your husband needs more life insurance? I mean,
if your husband suddenly dropped dead, what would you do?’
Mrs Smith: ‘I’d probably get a pet dog instead.’
if your husband suddenly dropped dead, what would you do?’
Mrs Smith: ‘I’d probably get a pet dog instead.’
2. The young man walked into the pet shop and asked if he could buy 387
beetles, 18 rats and five mice.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but we can only supply the mice. But what did you want all
the other creatures for?’ asked the pet shop manager.
‘I was thrown out of my flat this morning,’ replied the young man. ‘And my
landlord says I must leave the place exactly as I found it.’
beetles, 18 rats and five mice.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but we can only supply the mice. But what did you want all
the other creatures for?’ asked the pet shop manager.
‘I was thrown out of my flat this morning,’ replied the young man. ‘And my
landlord says I must leave the place exactly as I found it.’
3. Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot,
after month of hard work, to tell jokes.
At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down
to his pub.
‘This is my incredible joke-telling parrot,’ boasted Fred.
‘Go on ,’ jeered the pub regulars. ‘We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot
can’t tell us a joke.’
‘All right,’ replied Fred. ‘I accept your bet.’
But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk — let alone tell
jokes.
On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: ‘What do you mean by
keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!’
‘Don’t worry!’ squawked the parrot. ‘Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to
one.’
after month of hard work, to tell jokes.
At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down
to his pub.
‘This is my incredible joke-telling parrot,’ boasted Fred.
‘Go on ,’ jeered the pub regulars. ‘We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot
can’t tell us a joke.’
‘All right,’ replied Fred. ‘I accept your bet.’
But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk — let alone tell
jokes.
On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: ‘What do you mean by
keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!’
‘Don’t worry!’ squawked the parrot. ‘Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to
one.’
4. Hilary: ‘You’re the first man I’ve ever said “yes” to. In fact, I’ve said “no” to
lots and lots of men.’
Herbert: ‘What were they selling?’
lots and lots of men.’
Herbert: ‘What were they selling?’
5. The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced
it to stop.
A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.
‘You name, please?’ asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.
‘Certainly, officer,’ replied the driver. ‘It’s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus
Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.’
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook
his head and said: ‘I’ll just give you a warning this time — don’t break the
speed limit again.’
it to stop.
A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.
‘You name, please?’ asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.
‘Certainly, officer,’ replied the driver. ‘It’s Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus
Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.’
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook
his head and said: ‘I’ll just give you a warning this time — don’t break the
speed limit again.’
6. Alifelong Socialist was dying when he suddenly decided to join the Tory
party.
‘But why?’ asked his puzzled friends. ‘You‘ve been a staunch Socialist all your
life.’
‘Well, he replied, ‘I’d rather it was a Tory that died than a Socialist.’
party.
‘But why?’ asked his puzzled friends. ‘You‘ve been a staunch Socialist all your
life.’
‘Well, he replied, ‘I’d rather it was a Tory that died than a Socialist.’
7. If a plug would not fit, would you socket?
8. Customer: ‘Waiter! How much longer do you expect me to have to wait for
my poached salmon?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry, sir, but we are trying to hurry it up for you.’
Customer: ‘Then can you assure me that you’re using the right bait?’
my poached salmon?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry, sir, but we are trying to hurry it up for you.’
Customer: ‘Then can you assure me that you’re using the right bait?’
9. ‘Get up,’ shouted Albert’s mother. ‘You’ll be late for school.’
‘But I don‘t want to go,’ protested Albert. ‘All the kids are horrible, the teachers
are terrible, and it’s all extremely boring. I want to stay home.’
‘But,’ replied Albert’s mother, ‘you’re forty-three and the headmaster of the
school.’
‘But I don‘t want to go,’ protested Albert. ‘All the kids are horrible, the teachers
are terrible, and it’s all extremely boring. I want to stay home.’
‘But,’ replied Albert’s mother, ‘you’re forty-three and the headmaster of the
school.’
10. Teacher: ‘Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?’
Mavis: ‘It’s May, miss.’
Teacher: ‘No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mavis: ‘But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!’
Mavis: ‘It’s May, miss.’
Teacher: ‘No, it isn’t. The shortest month is February.’
Mavis: ‘But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!’
11. You can get a lot more done with a kind word and gun, than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone
Wealth is like sea water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; the same is true of fame.
- Schopenhauer
- Al Capone
Wealth is like sea water; the more we drink, the thirstier we become; the same is true of fame.
- Schopenhauer
