1. A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written
examination. Since he was the Chief’s nephew, the examiner decided to go
easy on him with the oral test.
“Who shot Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have
sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back
the next morning.
When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, “Well, how did it go?
Did you get the job?”.
“I think so,” he replied. “They have already got me working on a case”.
examination. Since he was the Chief’s nephew, the examiner decided to go
easy on him with the oral test.
“Who shot Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have
sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back
the next morning.
When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, “Well, how did it go?
Did you get the job?”.
“I think so,” he replied. “They have already got me working on a case”.
2. A salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer. A month
later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.
“I see you’ve joined the force, Bhatnagar,” said the sales manager.
“Yes, Sir. This is the job I’ve been looking for all my life. Here the customer
is always wrong.”
later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.
“I see you’ve joined the force, Bhatnagar,” said the sales manager.
“Yes, Sir. This is the job I’ve been looking for all my life. Here the customer
is always wrong.”
3. When I eventually met Mr Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
- Rita Rudner
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done,ask a woman.
- Margaret Thatcher
4. Judge: “The last time I saw you, I told you that I didn’t want to see you here
again”.
Accused: “That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they
would not believe me.”
again”.
Accused: “That is what I tried to tell these policemen, your Honour, but they
would not believe me.”
5. What is your age?” asked the Judge. “Remember you are under oath”.
“Twenty-one years and some months,” the woman answered.
“How many months?” the Judge persisted.
“One hundred and eight.”
“Twenty-one years and some months,” the woman answered.
“How many months?” the Judge persisted.
“One hundred and eight.”
6. “Hey,” the tourist said to the mountaineer, “Your son just threw a rock at
me as I passed by.”
“Did it hit you?”
“No.”
“Then it wasn’t my son.”
me as I passed by.”
“Did it hit you?”
“No.”
“Then it wasn’t my son.”
7. Boss : “You should have been here at 8 O’clock.”
Steno : “Why, what happened?”
Steno : “Why, what happened?”
8. That’s the trouble with being greeted “Have a nice day!’ it puts all the pressure on you.
- George Carlin
The employee stormed angrily into the cashier’s office. “What’s the meaning
of this? I just counted my pay and it’s a dollar short!”
The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. “Last week
we paid you a dollar more. You didn’t complain then, did you?”
“Look” said the employee. “An occasional mistake I can overlook - but two
in a row is too much!”
- George Carlin
The employee stormed angrily into the cashier’s office. “What’s the meaning
of this? I just counted my pay and it’s a dollar short!”
The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. “Last week
we paid you a dollar more. You didn’t complain then, did you?”
“Look” said the employee. “An occasional mistake I can overlook - but two
in a row is too much!”
9. Two employers were talking. Said one: “I fear that young man I employed
last week as a cashier is dishonest.”
“Oh,” replied the other, “you shouldn’t judge by appearances.”
“I’m not. I’m judging by disappearances!”
last week as a cashier is dishonest.”
“Oh,” replied the other, “you shouldn’t judge by appearances.”
“I’m not. I’m judging by disappearances!”
10. The famous film actor was being analyzed.
“Tell me,” asked the psychoanalyst, “Do you ever cheat on your wife?”
“Who else?”
“Tell me,” asked the psychoanalyst, “Do you ever cheat on your wife?”
“Who else?”
11. Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances, and ends by blocking his retreat.
- Oscar Wilde
You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- Louis Morris
Life is one long process of getting tired. - Samuel Butler
The love that lasts longest is the love which is never returned. - Somerset Maugham
- Oscar Wilde
You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
- Louis Morris
Life is one long process of getting tired. - Samuel Butler
The love that lasts longest is the love which is never returned. - Somerset Maugham
12. A large notice in a shop window announced a big sale, with sweeping
reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form by 7-30
a.m.
Just before the shop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to
the head of the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was
right at the back of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the head of the
queue again.
Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously to the back, this time with a
few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by
angry women.
The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: “If that’s your
attitude, I won’t open the shop at all today!”
reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form by 7-30
a.m.
Just before the shop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to
the head of the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was
right at the back of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the head of the
queue again.
Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously to the back, this time with a
few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by
angry women.
The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: “If that’s your
attitude, I won’t open the shop at all today!”
13. Chemistry Teacher: “Can you give me the formula for water?”
Student: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.”
Chemistry Teacher: “Where did you get an idea like that?”
Student: “You told us the other day it was H to O.”
Student: “H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-.”
Chemistry Teacher: “Where did you get an idea like that?”
Student: “You told us the other day it was H to O.”
14. Teacher : “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”
Pupil: “Not a bit.”
Pupil: “Not a bit.”
15. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable persists in trying to adapt the
world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.’
- George Bernard Shaw
world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.’
- George Bernard Shaw
16. Teacher: “Who were the first human beings?”
Pupil: “Adam and Eve.”
Teacher: “And what nationality were they?”
Pupil: Indian, of course.”
Teacher: “And how ho you know they were Indian?”
Pupil: “Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only
one apple between them - and they called it Paradise.”
Pupil: “Adam and Eve.”
Teacher: “And what nationality were they?”
Pupil: Indian, of course.”
Teacher: “And how ho you know they were Indian?”
Pupil: “Easy. They had no roof over their heads, no clothes to wear and only
one apple between them - and they called it Paradise.”
17. Father: “Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor?”
Suitor: “Of course.”
Father: “You’re no good. We don’t want fools in our family.”
Suitor: “Of course.”
Father: “You’re no good. We don’t want fools in our family.”
18. He: “There are an awful lot of girls who don’t want to get married.”
She: “How do you know?”
He: “I’ve asked them.”
She: “How do you know?”
He: “I’ve asked them.”
19. He: “I wonder why women pay more attention to beauty than to brains.”
She: “Because no matter how stupid a man is, he is seldom blind.”
She: “Because no matter how stupid a man is, he is seldom blind.”
20. When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends; they never forgive the loss of
their prerogative. - H L Mencken
their prerogative. - H L Mencken
21. I once knew the twenty-year-old daughter of a Hollywood film actress who
kept getting depressed because she didn’t look as young as her mother.
kept getting depressed because she didn’t look as young as her mother.
22. The aging actor was trying to chat up the gorgeous young girl.
‘Don’t you recognize me?’ he asked. She shook her head.
‘I’m quite well known in the movies,’ he continued.
‘Oh!’ she said, her eyes lighting up. ‘Where do you usually sit?’
‘Don’t you recognize me?’ he asked. She shook her head.
‘I’m quite well known in the movies,’ he continued.
‘Oh!’ she said, her eyes lighting up. ‘Where do you usually sit?’
23. The main difference between men and boys is that men’s toys cost more
money.
money.
24. Pretty young girl: ‘If I go up to your room do you promise to be good?’
Young man: ‘Why — I promise to be FANTASTIC!’
Young man: ‘Why — I promise to be FANTASTIC!’
25. Two astrologers met each other in the street on a particularly cold and bitter
day.
‘Terrible winter we’re having,’ muttered one.
‘Yes,’ replied the other. ‘It reminds me of the winter of 2057.’
day.
‘Terrible winter we’re having,’ muttered one.
‘Yes,’ replied the other. ‘It reminds me of the winter of 2057.’
26. Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
- Margaret Mead
27. A tea manufacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative
man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could
persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
‘We’ll give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial,”
the ad man told the pontiff. All you have say is: “Give us this day our daily
tea”.’
‘I’m sorry,’ replied the Pope, ‘but I can’t do that.’
‘Five hundred thousand,’ offered the adman.
‘I’m afraid not,’ said the Pope, solemnly.
‘All right. One million pounds. And that’s our very last offer.’
But still the Pope refused. On his way back, disappointed adman turned to
his secretary and said: ‘It’s odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for
tea. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him.’
man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could
persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
‘We’ll give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial,”
the ad man told the pontiff. All you have say is: “Give us this day our daily
tea”.’
‘I’m sorry,’ replied the Pope, ‘but I can’t do that.’
‘Five hundred thousand,’ offered the adman.
‘I’m afraid not,’ said the Pope, solemnly.
‘All right. One million pounds. And that’s our very last offer.’
But still the Pope refused. On his way back, disappointed adman turned to
his secretary and said: ‘It’s odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for
tea. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him.’
28. The proud mother was showing off her new baby to her friend. ‘Doesn’t he
look just like his father?’ asked the mother.
‘Yes,’ replied the friend. ‘But I shouldn’t worry too much — he’ll probably
change for the better as he gets older.’
look just like his father?’ asked the mother.
‘Yes,’ replied the friend. ‘But I shouldn’t worry too much — he’ll probably
change for the better as he gets older.’
29. If an artist becomes angry does he lose his temperas?
30. Let no one suppose the words doctor and patient can disguise from the parties the fact they are
employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
History teaches us that men and nations live wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
employer and employee. - George Bernard Shaw
History teaches us that men and nations live wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban
31. The elderly aunt bent down and asked her three-year-old nephew: ‘Can
you tell me the name of your new baby sister?’
The little boy shook his head sadly and replied: ‘I don’t know what it is. I
keep asking her but I can’t understand a word she says.’
you tell me the name of your new baby sister?’
The little boy shook his head sadly and replied: ‘I don’t know what it is. I
keep asking her but I can’t understand a word she says.’
32. My wife’s best friend has just celebrated the twentieth anniversary of her
twenty-ninth birthday.
twenty-ninth birthday.
33. Customer: ‘I’d like to buy a novel, please.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘Certainly, madam. Do you have the title or name of the
author?’
Customer: ‘Not really. I was hoping you could suggest something suitable.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘No problem. Do you like light or heavy reading?’
Customer: ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ve left the car just outside the shop.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘Certainly, madam. Do you have the title or name of the
author?’
Customer: ‘Not really. I was hoping you could suggest something suitable.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘No problem. Do you like light or heavy reading?’
Customer: ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ve left the car just outside the shop.’
34. Office worker: Sir?’
Boss: ‘Yes? What is it now?’
Office worker: ‘Please can I have a day off next week to do some late
Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?’
Boss: ‘Certainly not!’
Office worker: ‘I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me
out of that terrible chore.’
Boss: ‘Yes? What is it now?’
Office worker: ‘Please can I have a day off next week to do some late
Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?’
Boss: ‘Certainly not!’
Office worker: ‘I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me
out of that terrible chore.’
35. At the company board meeting the chairman rose to make his speech.
‘Who’s been carrying on with my secretary?’ he demanded.
This was met with silence. ‘All right, then,’ said the chairman, ‘put it this way
— who has not been carrying on with my secretary?’
Again there was silence, and then one man said, self-consciously: ‘Me, sir.’
‘Right,’ said the Chairman. ‘You sack her.’
‘Who’s been carrying on with my secretary?’ he demanded.
This was met with silence. ‘All right, then,’ said the chairman, ‘put it this way
— who has not been carrying on with my secretary?’
Again there was silence, and then one man said, self-consciously: ‘Me, sir.’
‘Right,’ said the Chairman. ‘You sack her.’
36. One day Claude came home from work to find his wife painting one side
of the car blue. She’d divided the car neatly in half and had already painted
the other side bright yellow.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ asked Claude.
‘Simple!’ she replied. ‘You know I’ve had so many accidents and I always get
caught due to the statements of the witnesses in court. Now, if I have an
accident, you watch them fight it out trying to decide what colour car caused
the accident!’
of the car blue. She’d divided the car neatly in half and had already painted
the other side bright yellow.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ asked Claude.
‘Simple!’ she replied. ‘You know I’ve had so many accidents and I always get
caught due to the statements of the witnesses in court. Now, if I have an
accident, you watch them fight it out trying to decide what colour car caused
the accident!’
37. Mother: ‘Why are you crying?’
Sally: ‘Because I fell and hurt myself.’
Mother: ‘When did that happen?’
Sally: ‘About twenty minutes ago.’
Mother: ‘But you’ve only just started crying.’
Sally: ‘I know. Earlier, I thought you’d gone out.’
Sally: ‘Because I fell and hurt myself.’
Mother: ‘When did that happen?’
Sally: ‘About twenty minutes ago.’
Mother: ‘But you’ve only just started crying.’
Sally: ‘I know. Earlier, I thought you’d gone out.’
38. That’s a nice suit you’re wearing — who went for the fitting?’
39. J udge: ‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’
Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’
Prisoner: ‘How do I know, your honour? I haven’t heard the evidence yet.’
40. Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria.
Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant.
Dogma: the mother of puppies.
Ultimate: the last person to marry.
Vice versa: dirty poems.
Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant.
Dogma: the mother of puppies.
Ultimate: the last person to marry.
Vice versa: dirty poems.
41. Doctor: ‘Nurse! Did you take this patient’s temperature?’
Nurse: ‘Why, doctor? Is it missing?’
Nurse: ‘Why, doctor? Is it missing?’
42. Teacher: ‘Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job
when you leave school’
Pupil: ‘Well, sir! I’m going to be a TV weatherman.
when you leave school’
Pupil: ‘Well, sir! I’m going to be a TV weatherman.
43. Pretty young nurse: ‘Doctor, every time I take this young man’s pulse it gets
faster. Should I give him a sedative?’
Doctor: ‘No. Just give him a blindfold.’
faster. Should I give him a sedative?’
Doctor: ‘No. Just give him a blindfold.’
44. Patient: ‘Doctor, do you think that I will live until I’m a hundred?’
Doctor: ‘Do you smoke or drink?’
Patient: ‘No.’
Doctor: ‘Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?’
Patient: ‘Certainly not!’
Doctor: ‘Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?’
Doctor: ‘Do you smoke or drink?’
Patient: ‘No.’
Doctor: ‘Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?’
Patient: ‘Certainly not!’
Doctor: ‘Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?’
45. Doctor’s wife: ‘Why are you looking so worried, dear?’
Doctor: ‘I think I’ve at last cured that Smith fellow.’
Doctor’s wife: ‘So why are you so worried?’
Doctor: ‘I’ve given him so many pills and potions I can’t work out which one
worked.’
Doctor: ‘I think I’ve at last cured that Smith fellow.’
Doctor’s wife: ‘So why are you so worried?’
Doctor: ‘I’ve given him so many pills and potions I can’t work out which one
worked.’
46. Estate agent to young house-hunting couple: ‘First you tell me what you
can afford. Then we’ll have a good laugh about it and go on from there.’
can afford. Then we’ll have a good laugh about it and go on from there.’
47. Is a drunken ghost a methylated spirit?
48. Mr Bloggs: ‘Darling, I don’t know what you put in this soup, but it tastes
like dishwater.’
Mrs Bloggs: ‘How do you know?’
like dishwater.’
Mrs Bloggs: ‘How do you know?’
49. ‘Mummy, Mummy! Where are you?’ cried the little boy on the promenade.
‘You poor little boy,’ said an elderly lady. ‘Come with me and I’ll get you an
ice cream and then we’ll go and look for your mummy.’
‘I know where your mummy is,’ said a small girl.
‘Shush!’ whispered the little boy. ‘I know where she is, too, but I’ve managed
to get two free ice creams this morning, and I want a third!’
‘You poor little boy,’ said an elderly lady. ‘Come with me and I’ll get you an
ice cream and then we’ll go and look for your mummy.’
‘I know where your mummy is,’ said a small girl.
‘Shush!’ whispered the little boy. ‘I know where she is, too, but I’ve managed
to get two free ice creams this morning, and I want a third!’
50. The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and
cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I
don’t know what to do!’
Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who
rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down
and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.
‘Oh, thank you!’ cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’
‘No madam,’ replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax
Department.’
cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I
don’t know what to do!’
Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who
rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down
and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.
‘Oh, thank you!’ cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’
‘No madam,’ replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax
Department.’
